On Sunday night I received a shocker – a very dear friend of mine is filing for divorce as we speak. This is someone I’ve known and respected for a long time. She has a successful career and is a beauty with a hot bod and a bubbly personality. Really…I’m not exaggerating.
At first, I was saddened, “How could this happen to my friend? Why did her husband cheat?”
Then, I was perplexed: “How long did she suspect?Did she see any warning signs even at the beginning of the relationship that she probably chose to ignore?”
But most of all I was mad: “What more did her husband want?”
Being in the business of weddings, you would think that I’m a bit immune to these clouds and that I only focus on the silver lining. But, none of us are truly immune, especially when it hits home at someone you know well.
And as if to add insult to injury, I was chatting with another old friend of mine recently and he revealed that all the married couples he knows that are our age (thirty-somethings) are currently cheating on their spouse. This is disturbing …to say the least (and could probably explain why he has chosen to remain single!)
What is happening to the institution of marriage? And are the couples who enter into it, really ready for what is to come? Here are some of the things I’ve learnt from my own experience as well as from those who are dear to me:
Marriage is not the same as dating – many people at tender ages rush into engagements without thinking it through sufficiently. This is because of the common misperception that “marriage is the same as dating”. Dating can be a heady mixture of excitement and turbulence. When you’re dating, you go out constantly or when you get angry you’re perfectly capable of not speaking for days or if you feel like it, you can just walk out on the relationship. Sounds pretty easy right?
Marriage on the other hand, involves work – working through disagreements and just about every unexpected thing life throws your way, for example, the death of family members, changing living conditions, career changes, taking care of sick parents etc. These are all realties and coupled with that, are your everyday “couple” activities such as socialising with each other, taking care of kids and managing your household affairs. It’s not always smooth sailing but it is what you make it.
People ask me all the time what my definition of marriage is; the simplest way I can describe it is building a life with someone and creating memories. Ingredients for that are love, companionship, shared values, respect, compromise and compatibility. If you have these things and you’re dating, you’re on the right track. Even if one is missing, it may be time to re-evaluate. Remember, that marriage may not be for everyone - it’s better to know your limitations rather than dive headfirst into a miserable union.
Looks don’t last – Most women’s bodies change after pregnancy, men get “love handles” and pot bellies or even lose their hair. Yes, folks that’s the “honest truth!” I hear about people looking for those “trophy wives or husbands” and I am appalled. If you’re in a relationship for the superficial reason of “he or she looks handsome or beautiful,” there’s no guarantee this will last. If you’re in it for the long haul, fall in love with the sprit and personality of the person, after you get over that initial attraction!
Be true to yourself – There’s no reason to lose your independence and your self-worth in your marriage. You have to present a “whole you” to your partner. You must come to the relationship with your own tastes, personality, style and opinions. If you become a clone of your partner, there’ll certainly be some boring days ahead.
You can change habits not people- I’ve heard engaged persons complain that their fiancé(e) is controlling, may have an alcohol addiction, is abnormally possessive or insecure. What I can say for sure is that these problems, if left unaddressed only get worse with time. It is better to deal with these issues sooner rather than later, since habits and tendencies tend to worsen as the person you’re with, gets more and more comfortable living with you.
Self-involvement is a no-no – I am not advocating ignoring yourself and neglecting your needs, what I mean by this is that, quite frankly, some people have too selfish an outlook to get married. There’s no room for being selfish in marriage, simply because as I mentioned before, it’s a partnership!
And so, I can sum up by saying that marriage can either be as fragile as an egg or as strong as one. Try squeezing an egg with your fist, it won’t break because of the pressure being spread across the curved shell. (But you science buffs already knew that). What I truly believe, though, is that marriage is what you make it.
But I still hurt for my friend.
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