Every weekend the same thing happens as my husband drives past the new "mega" over-pass being constructed on the Highway. He slows almost to a grinding halt ( I swear one day some road hog is going to let us have a piece of his mind!) his eyes are peeled and he just oohs and aaahs over the cranes, the piles, the hydraulics, the dumpsters etc. Every time we pass there, he says " Wow, jus look at this, jus look...amazing what they doin!" To which, I always do one of two things - roll my eyes (but make sure he doesn't see - LOL) or try to feign interest in what to me constitutes some boring construction stuff. Sigh...
Both our reactions remind me of the reading frenzy surrounding the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," that happened some years ago. I have to admit, I was one of the millions who read it. And, although I can't recall that much about it, I often wonder about the differences between how men and women perceive the world.
Sometimes I think that a newly-married man should be declared a genus or specie unto himself. It may seem to some newly-married women that their husbands can't quite seem to grasp the adjustments they’ve had to make. After all, now comes the responsibilities of home, in-laws, babies or step-kids, with a dollop of what ( or who!) we have to deal with at work, on top! Hmmm...quite enormous changes from single-dom!
I've had friends tell me that the worst years of marriage were the first two! When I dug deeper to find out why, I let loose a Pandora's Box of woes. Surprisingly, they weren't of the nuclear-physics-type complexity, but rather, they were quite mundane. For example, my friend V. fought day in and day out with her new husband because he never squeezed the toothpaste tube neatly from the bottom-up. This aggravated her to no end. Another friend of mine tried for months (with no success) to get her hubby to put the toilet lid down. And countless female friends tell me how the TV remote is the third-party in their marriage!
To be honest, I probably spent my first few years of marriage griping about similar things…but one day, something happened to change that. It was about two years ago, I was very pregnant, perhaps about seven months along and ravenous all the time. The fridge and I, at that point, became really good friends! Anyway, one day I greedily spied my husband having a boiled egg for breakfast. I zoomed in like a homing pigeon and asked him for some. He took his knife and fork and cut me a huge chunk of…egg-white. I was really hurt. How could he give me egg-white?
Didn’t he know that I love yolk?
I ruminated on this for a bit and then asked him pointedly why he’d given me that paltry bit of egg? His response, with his most earnest expression was: "Sorry babe, I gave you the white ‘cos that's my favourite part!"Ok, so then I had to eat my egg-white with a HUGE slice of humble pie...
It just goes to show that even though we might think they're from Mars…all that matters in the end is that they love us!
Here are a few of my tips on coping with the first years:
Keep the spark alive- Most newlywed couples tend to be in the career-building stages of their lives, and often find themselves in a routine of long hours or overseas travel. However, ensuring you have time for intimacy and friendship is crucial to your growth as a married couple. Supporting your spouse's ambitions, hobbies, or interests are key to making your partner feel validated and loved. Scheduling ‘date nights’ either quietly at home to watch a movie or painting the town red with friends can work wonders to rejuvenate you after a hard work-week.
Divvy up the chores- Newly-married women often tell me how tired they are after working all day and then running the household on evenings. These new responsibilities bring on the stress of trying to get everything done on time and within budget. Try to simplify your household chores as much as possible, and if that doesn't work, divide the chores between you and your hubby or hire some help.
Sweet surprises!- Just because you're married doesn’t mean you have to be boring! Ladies: try a new haircut, have your toes painted a bold color, or buy something new to wear on ‘date night.’ Guys: most ladies love surprises—and they don't have to be elaborate. Why not leave a sticky-note on the bathroom mirror for her? Drop off her favorite dessert at work, rent her favourite DVD, or take her to a surprise lunch or breakfast.
Money Matters- Your financial life is no longer your own. Having a joint bank account, though, doesn’t have to be the ultimate solution. I know many couples who maintain separate bank accounts and split the household bills, as well as those who open a joint household account for bills but still maintain separate accounts for personal spending. Either of these options can work quite well, depending on your needs as a couple.
Fight fair- Your first few fights as a married couple are definitely going to be eye-openers! And believe me, in retrospect, they usually start because of the silliest things! You stand there wondering "What have I done? I must’ve been crazy to marry this person!" Don't worry. This should only be a transient feeling! There's nothing wrong with disagreements; all healthy couples have them (in moderation) because they help to clarify issues. However, the key is learning to solve problems better and picking your battles—not every issue is worth a yelling match.
Be observant- You’re married to someone who’s not a carbon copy of you, so don't even suppose for one moment that they'll think and react the same as you! As the months pass along, you'll learn about your mate's quirky habits, routines, favorite things, pet peeves, and so much more. Your intuition and awareness of these cues are the best tools for reaching compromises, truly understanding your spouse…and perhaps even learning a thing or two about yourself!
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